Grief Is Smothering!

My heart is so heavy with sadness!
Today was such a beautiful day and I just couldn't enjoy it fully.

Princess and I stopped at the store and picked up some goodies. I made up a basket and a bag for Shelly and the girls, respectively.

We drove to the house on Woodland Terrace. But sadly, no one was home.
I suppose I should have called but I just wanted to see Shel in person and give her a big hug, rather than have a phone conversation.

While driving there, I started to get more and more nervous the closer we got.
Why? I don't know. I guess the whole aspect of not knowing what to say, maybe. Or how she'll be. I mean, what do you say to someone who just lost their husband, their best friend?
I've been there? Haven't
I know what you're feeling? Don't
Yes, I've had someone close to me die. In my case it was my mom. But it isn't the same!

As I pulled up to the house and parked across the street, it just seemed so surreal to me!

It looked like any other house on the street. Quaint nice looking place, amply decorated for the season. With mums on the porch steps. A little autumn sign in the grass at the bottom of the steps.



Inside the front door seemed so dark. Like the house had a secret only select people know.

The porch light was on, which gave me the feeling like it was waiting for someone to come home.


As we crept up the steps, I took notice to the arrangements in stands that occupied the space around the front door. Beautiful fall colored flowers adorned the bouquets.
All those knowing the secret this house holds knows where these bunches came from. Anyone else that passed by might just think it is all nice fall decoration.

I happened to look over at the neighbors' house just across the driveway to find a man exit the front door. We just looked at each other. A sad exchange, that needed no words on either part. A mutual understanding of what is. With that I looked away.

We rang the doorbell, but no one came. We rang again, still no answer. I tapped on the front door window, still nothing.
The quiet was deafening!!
The stillness eery!!

We left our gifts by the front door to be noticed and brought in later.

As we turned to leave I was hit with another wave of sadness! To know that Greg once walked up & down these steps, across this porch and through that threshold so many times but to never again sorrowed me!

Even though I don't live here, I can feel the overwhelming sense that this house will never be the same again!

I drove away disappointed that I didn't get to see Shelly.

I decided--because it was such a gorgeous day-- to take Princess to the park.
Beings it was on our way home, we stopped at Haddon Lake Park.
Princess played on the playground for a while.
As I pushed her on the swing we were facing the lake.
The sight of the changing leaves--the reds, oranges and yellows--was breathtaking! Especially as it reflected off the water.
The blue sky opened wide above.
It was picture perfect!!

It just broke my heart to think that Greg will never see this sight!
That his family will never share this with him.
Oh the things we take for granted!!

I pushed Princess on the swing, rocked her on the see-saw and helped her climbed some of the bars. But the whole time I was completely preoccupied!

After a bit, Princess wanted to walk down and see the ducks & geese.
We went down and watched as they entered the water.
We started walking the path around the lake.
I tried my hardest to soak up the day: the warm air, the beauty around me.
But I just wasn't enjoying it like I should have.
I kind of felt guilty that I could be here and Greg couldn't!


A sadness completely overwhelms me today!
It lays so heavy on my heart that it takes my breath away!
I can only imagine the pain that Shelly is feeling!!
I know it will never take the pain away,
but I hope she knows we are all in her corner and here if she needs us!!
And with God's Love, Grace & Strength,
she WILL feel better and stronger one day.
It will get a little easier!

I feel so bad that I wasn't there!
That I didn't know!
The one week I choose to ease up on the computer.
Ugh!
Plus we don't get a newspaper.
And even when I do read it,
I don't always peruse the obits!!
UGH!!

I had planned on going to see them right after he got out of the hospital a few weeks ago.
I just didn't want to go too soon, so I kept putting off calling.
Maybe a part of me really didn't want to see him like that.
As I was sitting down to write this out--I am sitting outside with Princess--I came across an old
'to do' list on one of the pages of this tablet.
Guess what one of the things 'to do' was?
You guessed it...call the Trefzs!!

I could smack myself!!
Why didn't I call??
Why didn't I go online last week?? --I actually did, but ever so briefly!!--
Why did I have to miss it all?? I feel so guilty!!
I should have been there!!
I wanted to be there!!

Oh well, I can't change all that.
But I can be there for Shelly now!

I called her a little while ago. I got the answering machine so I just left a message.
I hope she returns my call so I can go see her!
All I want to do is give her a huge hug!!

Right now, I think it's all I can do!!




^JUST ^j^ BELIEVE^